Movie Review: Truth or Dare (2018)

So I know what you’re thinking:

Hey, fat ass, this movie review is about three weeks too late. You’re supposed to review the movie BEFORE it comes out, not two weeks after. Useless...

Well, you know what? TOO BAD!!! Okay? I’m sorry I got behind. I’m sorry I let myself get distracted. I’M SORRY I’M NOT PERFECT!! I try so hard to be. SO HARD...

Anyway, here’s my “review” of the Blumhouse film, Truth or Dare, which came out this past Friday the 13th. I wrote this review a couple weeks ago, and I still agree with everything I said in it. There’s not a whole lot of horror out in cinemas right now, and the movie is still playing, so I feel like this review is worth checking out. Besides, Infinity War is dominating the box office and is still sold out pretty much everywhere, so you’re gonna have to see something else instead if you were planning to see it. Maybe that something will be Truth or Dare. If so, read this review before you head out to the theater. Enjoy!

I saw Truth or Dare tonight. It’s pretty stupid but entertaining nonetheless. If MTV took Final Destination and The Ring and smashed them together for the Snapchat generation, this is what you’d get. Tyler Posey needs to give up acting and go work at Olive Garden. You know how you get there and you’re like “how long is the wait for a booth?” and the hot guy is like “it’ll be about 30-40 minutes for a booth, but I can get you a table at the bar in like 10 minutes as soon as someone clears one off?” And then you’re like “did I fucking ask for a table at the bar or did I say booth? I’m fat - I need a booth because if I topple over I need somewhere safe to land.” And then he just stares at you confused... yeah, that needs to be Tyler Posey’s new job.

You know who doesn’t need a new job? Lucy Hale. This bitch never cares how awful her films or TV shows are. She KNOWS she’s gonna win an Oscar one day and if she has to make a bunch of shit to get to the gold, she’s gonna do it and there’s not a goddamned person who can stop her - not even Tyler Posey. Even though she has to cry and dramatically deliver lines like “they look like messed up Snapchat filters!” she sells it like a hooker in Las Vegas who needs a fix. Hollywood, stop resisting Lucy Hale - she’s inevitable and she’ll never stop!! Just give her an Oscar!! *deep breath* As far as the movie goes, it’s not very scary. There’s a couple effective jump scares, but unless people making stupid faces scares you, there’s not much here. I love Lucy’s little Sidney Prescott bob ala Scream 2. I spent a good portion of this movie thinking about her hair. And my hair. Like... I literally woke up to go see this movie and my hair is standing straight up like I got electrocuted or something. I dunno. Now I want Olive Garden. Goddamn you, Tyler Posey.

EDIT: After I originally posted this review on my Instagram, a friend made me aware of Tyler Posey’s nudes and that literally changed everything. If you haven’t seen them, Google it and then go see the film. If I was originally going to give this film a D+, Tyler Posey’s dick bumps it up to a C- at least. The film he made alone is way better than Truth or Dare. Just stay home and watch that. Unless you have Moviepass. Then go see it. It’s free. You might as well.

Conclusion: Truth or Dare is a stupid but mildly entertaining horror flick with a few scares. You might be rolling your eyes until you trigger a bout of vertigo, but you won’t be too bored and you might even jump once or twice. Tyler Posey has a big dick, and Lucy Hale stays committed to her performance even though she’s not given much to work with.

Final grade: C-



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